5 Ways to Help Your Child Start Middle School Strong
Middle school has a reputation of being the toughest age for parents. The growing desire for independence and increased importance of social dynamics—coupled with major hormonal changes—makes this stage in your child’s life difficult and confusing.
“The transition to middle school can be especially challenging for kids,” says Karen Manotas, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Huntsman Mental Health Institute at the University of Utah. “It coincides with a critical stage of development where they are figuring out who they are, their strengths and weaknesses, and where they fit in socially. On top of these social challenges, they must adapt to a new school environment, multiple teachers, and changing classes each period, all while experiencing the hormonal changes of puberty.”
However, your child still needs your support and knowledge, even if they say they don’t. Manotas shares five ways you can strike the balance between freedom and guidance as your child navigates middle school.
1. Revise Your Role
As your child enters adolescence, your role in their lives will shift. Think of it as letting them get in the driver’s seat, while you take the seat beside them as the passenger. You’re always there, ready to give direction when needed (such as teaching them how to unlock their locker combination), but ultimately, they’ve taken the lead.
“Granting developmentally appropriate freedoms helps prepare children and teens to navigate the world, handle conflict, make safe decisions, and solve problems on their own, which are essential skills for the transition to adulthood,” Manotas says. “While this can feel scary for parents, it is a crucial part of healthy growth.”
2. Be a Good Listener and Communicator
It’s important that your child understands that they can talk to you about anything—big or small—without fear of judgment or punishment. Manotas recommends that parents build a strong foundation of communication with their kids by:
- Listening without interrupting
- Keeping your reactions calm
- Avoiding immediately jumping into lecture mode
If your child has made a decision that is unsafe or unwise, guide them with thoughtful questions so they can come to that conclusion on their own. This will build trust between the two of you, and they are more likely to ask your advice again in the future.
3. Understand the Social Shifts
In middle school, a child’s social life often takes center stage. But that doesn’t negate the importance of their home life. As a parent, you can honor their need to navigate these situations on their own while remaining available to guide them toward making smart and safe decisions.
“Parents can stay involved in their child’s social world by inviting friends over, getting to know their parents, and observing group dynamics,” Manotas says. “This offers insight into what the child and their peers are exploring together, and whether certain freedoms are appropriate.”
Also, have a conversation about bullying. Let your child know that if they’re being bullied—or see it happening to someone else—they should tell you or another trusted adult right away. If you learn your child is the one bullying, use your open communication skills to address it. Encourage them to think about how they would feel if someone treated them the same way.
4. Hold Boundaries
Independence is going to look different based on your child’s age. But having regular check-ins with them about what freedoms they would like to explore can help you negotiate a middle ground and establish boundaries—and consequences if those boundaries are crossed.
Set clear boundaries, write them down, and put them in a shared family space, such as on the fridge. This ensures everyone is aware of the expectations and holds them accountable. For example, you could allow your child the freedom to go out with friends on Friday under the condition that they share their location and are home by a designated curfew. If those boundaries are crossed, your child knows that they will temporarily lose the privilege of having that freedom.
5. Model Healthy Behaviors
If you feel that your child is pulling away from you at this age, know that you are still their biggest role model. Setting a good example shows them how you expect them to act. Some healthy behaviors you can model for your child include:
- Having a daily routine
- Prioritizing sleep, nutrition, and moving your body
- Talking about yourself and others kindly
- Having open communication and actively listening to others, including your child
- Asking for help when you need it
- Being mindful of your own screen time
- Setting and holding boundaries
This is a good age to teach your child about free and confidential resources that are available to them when they don’t feel comfortable coming to you, such as the 988 crisis line or SafeUT.org. These resources are staffed with mental health professionals who can help them navigate difficult situations.
Middle school years are hard, but utilizing these five tips can help make them a little smoother for everyone.
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